Thursday, April 28, 2011

Motherhood

Ever since I can remember I've always wanted to be a mom. I found a 2nd grade paper of mine a few years back and in the space for what "I want to be when I grow up" I had mom written down. In high school when I found out I had endometriosis and that it might be difficult to have children I was devastated. Then the year of trying to get pregnant with Delilah killed me, all I wanted to do was have a family. Then I got pregnant and it was one of the most happiest moments of my life.
Now I am a mother, I am living my life long dream. Why then on most days does it feel contrary to that. I guess when you are 7 you don't think about the sleepless nights, the constant worrying, and then the guilt. Oh how that mother's guilt gets me daily.
My friend took this picture of my yesterday at play group, I was nursing James (in the photo he had fallen asleep if you were wondering why he was so low). Delilah came up to me and peeked in to check on James like she always does. The little girl in front of me, well she's obsessed with James and for the longest time just sat in my lap keeping watch. I look at this picture and I think; look at the mess that is me. I don't have any make up on and got caught in a micro burst while putting the kids in the car hence the fluffy hair. I am wearing yoga pants and a shirt that is six years old. My bag has been pulled apart trying to find things I had forgotten and I'm bare foot. Where did the college educated professional (thinner) woman go? Then I see that I am smiling. Even though my days are long and hard I really do love what I am doing. I am grateful that Collin can provide for us so I get to raise my children 24-7. It is the most tiring and exhausting job I have ever had but I wouldn't trade it for the world. I need to remember that more often, especially on the crazy play dough in the carpet, poop in the bed kind of days.

7 comments:

Le said...

Amen.

Eve said...

I love this. This has got to be the most demanding time in our lives as mothers, but I wouldn't trade it for teenagers for anything. ;)

Betsy said...

I saw the picture before I read your post and was thinking, oh, look how cute and together and just happy Michelle is. I wish and hope that I look that happy for my kiddos.

Cindy said...

I sometimes think about what a different person I am now, after having kids; priorities completely shifted. I never realized how much I would enjoy being a "mom" or how much they would take over my heart. I just feel really lucky to have my girls to spend every day with. PS you do look cute and happy :)

Anna said...

um...your bag is hot. :)
being responsible is lame.
kids are fun though. I like the fun.

grandma blair said...

You do look happy, I hope you throughly enjoy yourself every day. Life goes by way too quick, you are in the trenches now, but there will come a time when your children wont need you to feed, them or clean up there poop anymore. then all you will have is a lot of happy memories.

red said...

I think you look beautiful. I hope that we get to remember the good parts, I wish I could take pictures of myself hugging them and remember all the nice things they say when we have our insanely bad, sort of wish I was doing something else days. I'm so glad God taught someone how to give hugs and kisses and snuggle so we can do that with them on the days they let us. Good luck. You are an incredible Mom.